21 thoughts all women have during foreplay

If you’re lucky it happens in a bed… (Picture: Universal Pictures)
In the early days foreplay lasts hours while you decadently drink Prosecco and roll about naked in candlelight. Fast forward a year or 10 and err, not so much.


1. Right, we’ve been kissing for more than 0.26 seconds. This means he’s definitely going to attempt to have sex with me. Good.


2. HOW does he already have one hand in my pants and the other grappling my boob? HOW? How is he this speedy?


3. Oh OK, this is an uncomfortable position and kind of hurts. This would definitely be easier if he just removed my jeans.


4. Am I even in the mood to have sex? If we stop now I *might* be able to catch Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Ooh, that would be good.


5. Uh, I have no clothes on. This is happening.


6. Why is he ramming his hand on my clit like he’s trying to sand a piece of furniture?


7. Oh, and now he’s moved on to the classic finger pump. I can’t tell if this feels nice or if he’s just jamming my bladder really hard.


8. He’s keeps rubbing his hard penis against my thigh in case I’ve forgotten it’s there. Cute. How am I going to deal with this today? Hand? Mouth? Boobs?


9. Right, come on, you can do this, pull on your pornstar acting face. You’re so sexy, you LOVE c***, you’re so bad.


10. Wait, is that your phone buzzing? Has someone liked that photo of your dinner you just posted on Instagram? Maybe they have. It was a great photo of pasta.


11. CONCENTRATE. CONCENTRATE. CONCENTRATE.


12. Balls are odd aren’t they? And why do they always smell a bit like old people? Does he want me to put them in my mouth? Is that something that feels good?


13. Oh, he’s started stroking my hair like I’m a puppy. Do not look up. Do not get eye contact. Do not get awkward oral sex eye contact, it will ruin everything.


14. He’s pulling me up for air, maybe this means it’s my turn for oral sex. Oh no, no he’s just settled on sucking my nipple instead.


15. This does feel nice, but it’s a bit like I’m breastfeeding him.


16. Also, why does it feel suspiciously like he’s trying to stick his fingers in my bum? Maybe I should be doing that to him, maybe that’s what he’s hinting at.


17. He’s just given me that look as if to say ‘why are you doing that?’. SEE, it’s not all about the bumhole, is it?


18. I hope he doesn’t decide to turn this into penetrative sex before I cum because then my chances of orgasm go down to about two per cent.


19. Oh yes, it’s getting good. We can do this vagina, we can make an orgasm. Stop thinking about work, stop thinking about Facebook, stop thinking about the cat.


20. WAIT WHY HAS HE STOPPED? WHY IS HE CLIMBING ON TOP OF ME?


21. We’re having sex. I haven’t had an orgasm and we’re having sex. There is no orgasm building feeling in my genitals. It’s over. Fuming.

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Why shaving off your pubic hair will not make your penis look bigger

You think you’re shocked, wait until your girlfriend gets an eyeful (Picture: feelphotoart)

Willies are not the most attractive of things.
Despite being very useful, when it came to ‘good-looking’ parts of a man’s body, a penis is not something I would consider to be at the top of the list.
It is with this in mind that I have become interested in a recent trend sweeping the boards when it comes to ‘penis appearance improvement techniques’.

The pube-free penis. Or, as I prefer to call it and to stay with the Christmas theme – the freshly plucked turkey.
It baffles me.
A naked dick is a strange sight indeed – more like a diagram of one somehow – just so, ugh, graphic.

Make no mistake, I love a cock as much as the next girl but to see one in all its buffed, naked ball-bag swinging glory is a little too much, even by my dick-appreciating standards.
A woman going ‘Hollywood’ is one thing (although, forget about a nice bikini line, anyone who knows what it feels like to have their clitoris plucked should be on next year’s honours list).
The difference is our lady bits are neat and nicely hidden but naked balls?
There’s being metro-sexual and there’s turning your privates into something out of a giblet farming factory.

Yep, not sexy (Picture: ajafoto)

We can probably blame porn for the back, sack and crack craze, or the misconception that going pube-free makes willies look bigger.

To clarify to those considering getting the razor out, pube-free dicks don’t look bigger, they look like chicken drumsticks.

And that’s before you’ve even considered a couple of days’ growth.

If you think kissing a man with 5 o’clock shadow is uncomfortable… I’ll let you imagine the rest.
Shaving your pubic hair will, at best, make your girlfriend think of Kojak re-runs when she should be focusing on her orgasm.

At worst it will make her feel like she is riding an industrial sanding machine every time you have sex – neither being ideal.

Saying that, one shouldn’t have to hack one’s way through a forest of pubes to find the prize either – nothing ruins dinner like flossing half way through a meal.
However, there is a happy medium.

I think I can speak for most women in saying that a regular, moderate trim up is the ideal middle ground.

Keep it neat, keep it real – and don’t get me started on cock rings – turkeys wearing tiaras.
That’s just taking the festive spirit one step too far.

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This luxury ‘perfume’ isn’t quite what it seems, but it is a guaranteed pheromone booster

The Bijoux Diamond is actually a sex toy (Picture: Lovehoney)

Looking for a sexy scent for the festive period?
Well, this will certainly boost the pheromones.

The French-designed Bijoux Diamond is being snapped up as a luxury gift this Christmas, but it’s not the designer perfume you might be expecting in your stocking – it’s actually a very discreet new sex toy.

The first diamond-shaped vibrator can be used in several different ways, with both the sides and the top providing stimulation.

The online description raves: ‘Shaped just like a diamond, this gleaming luxury vibrator features unique stimulating contours and houses a 10 function rechargeable motor for diverse play-sessions.’
And, according to one very satisfied customer: ‘Your mother could pick it up and have no idea it was a sex toy.’ Erm, good?

We’ll never look at a bottle of Paco Rabanne in the same way again (Picture: Boots)

It bears more than a passing resemblance to a bottle of Paco Rabanne’s Lady Million Eau de Parfum, but promises so much more.

The rechargeable Bijoux Diamond costs a similar amount to a bottle of perfume too, at just £49.99. So, here’s to a very Merry Christmas.

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19 thoughts everyone has during drunk sex

It's a little like this but darker and messier (Picture: Getty)

Sometimes there's lights off missionary sex in the bedroom, sometimes there's spontaneous sex on the sofa during X Factor. And then, sometimes, there's drunk sex.
Here's what's going through our wild brains while we're naked and full of wine.

1. Flipping heck I'm so hot and naughty even I want me right now.

2. Maybe now's the time to try out some of those sex positions I saw in Cosmo last week. I'm basically a porn star with my moves tonight.

3. He's definitely looking at me like he's banging a Victoria's Secret model. I knew I was completely 100 per cent smouldering this evening.

4. Should we film this? That might be sexy.

5. Oh Christ, I think I can feel that last Jagerbomb making a bid for escape.

6. All I can smell is sweat and the Subway wrapper on the floor.

7. Oh, OK, he's going down on me. I mean good luck, I haven't showered for 16 hours.

8. Why does he always choose to do this when he's drunk and I'm ahem, unclean?

9. This feels super good and everything, but the cat is watching me.

10. After we've finished this maybe I should raid the freezer for something yummy and potato-based to stick in the oven.

11. Oh OK, we're doing doggy. I feel quite a lot like I'm on a ride at Thorpe Park.

12. Maybe if I close my eyes everything will feel a bit more still and I'll be able to concentrate on an orgasm.

13. WHY IS THE WHOLE ROOM SPINNING?!

14. Except wait, I can't really even feel him inside me. Oh, he's got a semi. That'll teach him for drinking eight pints in the space of three hours.

15. I'm going to have to use my tongue to sort out this situation aren't I?

16. Christ, my mouth is dry and I'm pretty sure I can taste wee. I think I've hit rock bottom.

17. I wonder if anyone is going to orgasm? Maybe we should sleep.

18. Sleep would be so nice.

19. Oh good, he's trying to stick something in my bum. Classic.

*Falls asleep naked aside from face full of make-up including fake eyelashes. Wakes up at approximately 5am with a vommy mouth that feels a bit like a dirty sandpit*

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NSFW: Seedfeeder is the greatest X-rated sex artist you’ve never heard of

Seedfeeder’s missionary mission (Picture: Seedfeeder)

You may not recognise the name, but if you’ve ever looked up some obscure sex act on Wikipedia, you’ll probably recognise his work.

Because Seedfeeder is the greatest X-rated illustrator you’ve never heard of.

He may have retired from Wikipedia in June 2012, but his legacy lives on in 46 graphic (in every sense of the word) images on Wikipedia, depicting a myriad of sexual acts.

From more vanilla acts including the missionary position (above) and doggy style, to more specialist porn-inspired acts such as bukkake and pegging, Seedfeeder – who sometimes faced criticism for his work -argued that his explict pictures were educational rather than titillating.

Seedfeeders woman on top illustration. Pictured censored by Metro (Picture: Seedfeeder)

And if you think his style looks somewhat familiar, that’s because it’ probably does, as Seedfeeder once explained in a Wikipedia user talk that he drew inspiration from a rather unusual source.

He explained: ‘The simple shading style I have settled upon actually sprang from the simple illustrations in airline safety pamphlets LOL.’

Seedfeeder’s oral nipple stimulation illustration. Picture censored by Metro (Picture: Seedfeeder)

But most interesting of all perhaps is Seedfeeder himself. The retired artist – who claimed to be nothing more than an ‘avid amateur’ – has remained anonymous. And as Andy Crush, who wrote a lengthy feature on him for Gawker discovered, simply ignores all interview requests.

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21 things you only know if you have a painfully average-sized penis

The bulge is everything (Picture: File)

Every man longs for a couple more inches on their pride and joy…unless it’s already massive.
If you’re in the big leagues then bravo, I take my hat off to you and your absurd shaft.
But for those who are still batting for the junior teams, here are 21 things you probably already know/think about your painfully average-sized member:

1. Of course you measure from the scrotum base.

2. Women prefer girth anyway…RIGHT!?

3. The only underwear that makes your package look decent is uncomfortably tight and chafey.

4. You’ll still attempt to pump some life into it before it’s unleashed among friends for antics .

5. You gain at least an inch when looking at it from the right angle.

6. The dreadful thought that you’ve stopped growing down there. Forever.

7. The person who came up with that ‘I’m a grower not a shower’ saying needs an OBE. 

8. Penis pumps work but reduce your erection from rock-solid to turgid. And then there’s that shame feeling.

9. Certain sex positions will give your lady the illusion you’re hung like a moose.

10. It looks neater than a big penis (but what I would give to have a big, messy penis).

11. ALWAYS making out that you’re bigger than you really are.
12. Asking your lady friend: ‘What do you see as average?’

13. Striking the mangina pose in front of your girlfriend to make her laugh (but also because the action results in a chub-on). 

14. It’s got contradictory name like Hulk or The Destroyer.

15. That heart-wrenching moment your partner reveals you’re not the biggest she’s been with.

16. ‘Cold in here, is it?’

17. Shaving pubes is an absolute must to increase Johnson visibility. 

18. ‘It’s not the size, it’s what you can do with it that counts’…Yeah but I can’t do a lot if it’s not big enough.

19. I’m better with my hands/mouth anyway (but scared I’ll get sent to A&E with locked jaw or develop crippling arthritis in my fingers).

20.The moment you get out of a pool and desperately uncling your swimming shorts to that disappointing bulge.

21. There’s more important things in life than having an impressive schlong. But it would make me happy on my bad days.

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My wife is scared of giving me oral sex

Her refusal to offer oral sex is affecting our love life. How do I encourage her to overcome her dislike?

‘I have tried reassuring her.’ (Posed by model.) Photograph: Getty Images

My wife never initiates oral sex and obviously does not enjoy giving it, which is a real turnoff for me. When we discussed it, she made it clear that she is scared that I will come in her mouth. I have reassured her that I will not, but her treating my cum like it is poison is a further turnoff for me.

Although it is disappointing for you, it would be wise to listen to your wife. Many people find receiving oral sex far more pleasurable than giving it. But your wife not only dislikes it: she has a genuine fear of the outcome. Although you clearly enjoy it, it is important that you do not try to coerce her into performing it. Everyone has personal limitations and dislikes that must be respected. Sometimes people bypass their dislike of a particular sexual act, but such selfless behaviour often lasts only until the next big argument.

Generally, if one wishes to encourage a certain sexual behaviour in a reticent partner, it is best to first increase the erotic charge between you by pleasing each other in well-established ways. Then you can very gradually introduce novelty. But if you gently, generously and respectfully try to discover what truly excites her, and reward her with praise when she pleases you in any way, your sexual connection will be far better. It is all too easy for sex to become a battleground between couples who unconsciously use it as a withholding mechanism to punish one another.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).

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