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| ‘I have tried reassuring her.’ (Posed by model.) Photograph: Getty Images |
My wife never initiates oral sex and obviously does
not enjoy giving it, which is a real turnoff for me. When we discussed
it, she made it clear that she is scared that I will come in her mouth. I
have reassured her that I will not, but her treating my cum like it is
poison is a further turnoff for me.
Although it is disappointing for you, it would be wise to listen to your wife. Many people find receiving oral sex far more pleasurable than giving it. But your wife not only dislikes it: she has a genuine fear of the outcome. Although you clearly enjoy it, it is important that you do not try to coerce her into performing it. Everyone has personal limitations and dislikes that must be respected. Sometimes people bypass their dislike of a particular sexual act, but such selfless behaviour often lasts only until the next big argument.
Generally, if one wishes to encourage a certain sexual behaviour in a reticent partner, it is best to first increase the erotic charge between you by pleasing each other in well-established ways. Then you can very gradually introduce novelty. But if you gently, generously and respectfully try to discover what truly excites her, and reward her with praise when she pleases you in any way, your sexual connection will be far better. It is all too easy for sex to become a battleground between couples who unconsciously use it as a withholding mechanism to punish one another.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
Although it is disappointing for you, it would be wise to listen to your wife. Many people find receiving oral sex far more pleasurable than giving it. But your wife not only dislikes it: she has a genuine fear of the outcome. Although you clearly enjoy it, it is important that you do not try to coerce her into performing it. Everyone has personal limitations and dislikes that must be respected. Sometimes people bypass their dislike of a particular sexual act, but such selfless behaviour often lasts only until the next big argument.
Generally, if one wishes to encourage a certain sexual behaviour in a reticent partner, it is best to first increase the erotic charge between you by pleasing each other in well-established ways. Then you can very gradually introduce novelty. But if you gently, generously and respectfully try to discover what truly excites her, and reward her with praise when she pleases you in any way, your sexual connection will be far better. It is all too easy for sex to become a battleground between couples who unconsciously use it as a withholding mechanism to punish one another.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
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