21 thoughts all women have during foreplay

If you’re lucky it happens in a bed… (Picture: Universal Pictures)
In the early days foreplay lasts hours while you decadently drink Prosecco and roll about naked in candlelight. Fast forward a year or 10 and err, not so much.


1. Right, we’ve been kissing for more than 0.26 seconds. This means he’s definitely going to attempt to have sex with me. Good.


2. HOW does he already have one hand in my pants and the other grappling my boob? HOW? How is he this speedy?


3. Oh OK, this is an uncomfortable position and kind of hurts. This would definitely be easier if he just removed my jeans.


4. Am I even in the mood to have sex? If we stop now I *might* be able to catch Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Ooh, that would be good.


5. Uh, I have no clothes on. This is happening.


6. Why is he ramming his hand on my clit like he’s trying to sand a piece of furniture?


7. Oh, and now he’s moved on to the classic finger pump. I can’t tell if this feels nice or if he’s just jamming my bladder really hard.


8. He’s keeps rubbing his hard penis against my thigh in case I’ve forgotten it’s there. Cute. How am I going to deal with this today? Hand? Mouth? Boobs?


9. Right, come on, you can do this, pull on your pornstar acting face. You’re so sexy, you LOVE c***, you’re so bad.


10. Wait, is that your phone buzzing? Has someone liked that photo of your dinner you just posted on Instagram? Maybe they have. It was a great photo of pasta.


11. CONCENTRATE. CONCENTRATE. CONCENTRATE.


12. Balls are odd aren’t they? And why do they always smell a bit like old people? Does he want me to put them in my mouth? Is that something that feels good?


13. Oh, he’s started stroking my hair like I’m a puppy. Do not look up. Do not get eye contact. Do not get awkward oral sex eye contact, it will ruin everything.


14. He’s pulling me up for air, maybe this means it’s my turn for oral sex. Oh no, no he’s just settled on sucking my nipple instead.


15. This does feel nice, but it’s a bit like I’m breastfeeding him.


16. Also, why does it feel suspiciously like he’s trying to stick his fingers in my bum? Maybe I should be doing that to him, maybe that’s what he’s hinting at.


17. He’s just given me that look as if to say ‘why are you doing that?’. SEE, it’s not all about the bumhole, is it?


18. I hope he doesn’t decide to turn this into penetrative sex before I cum because then my chances of orgasm go down to about two per cent.


19. Oh yes, it’s getting good. We can do this vagina, we can make an orgasm. Stop thinking about work, stop thinking about Facebook, stop thinking about the cat.


20. WAIT WHY HAS HE STOPPED? WHY IS HE CLIMBING ON TOP OF ME?


21. We’re having sex. I haven’t had an orgasm and we’re having sex. There is no orgasm building feeling in my genitals. It’s over. Fuming.