Monday, December 29, 2014

20 things all women think while giving a hand job

20 things all women think while giving a hand job
NB This is not a hand job (Picture: Ibrakovic)
Ah the hand job.
In these heady days of pterodactyl porn and avatar girlfriends, ‘manual labour’ can seem pretty tame.
But, whether these are part of your standard sexual smorgasbord or you haven’t given or received one since you were 17 underneath a pile of coats at your best friend’s house party, there’s certain things that cross a lady’s mind when she’s giving one.
And, let’s face it, she must be a lady because this is the good girl’s bj.
1. Well this is retro.

2. Is he disappointed? ‘He’ does look a bit disappointed.
Too bad – if he wanted head we should have gone to bed two episodes of AHS ago.

3. I need longer arms.

4. Wow, my balancing abilities are pretty horrendous.

5. Ok, I’m just going to have to shift on down there.

6. Kind of hard to know where to look now.
Looking at him seems needy/off putting. Staring at it intently seems creepy.
Guess I’ll just glance off nervously to the side.

7. Should have used lube.

8. My wrist is already sore. How does his wrist not get sore?

9. And my other arm’s getting pins and needles.

10. I’m not even going to pretend to be enjoying this. I could essentially be milking a cow.

11. Plus, I’m still worried about grip. How is saying ‘it’s all good’ ever helpful?

12. Seriously, you must have wrists of steel.

13. Oh God, my whole hand is cramping. Can you get RSI from this?

14. Ok, other hand, try to keep up same momentum.

15. Wow, things are happening. That’s always a surprise. Could explain why you think doing exactly the same movement on me for 15 minutes is the pathway to nirvana.

16. Oh God, yet again I haven’t thought this through.

17. Men use socks don’t they? Do we have any clean socks? Possibly not the sexiest option.

18. Let’s face it, this could go anywhere. Yet another argument for condoms.

19. Ha, it’s all on you. Good luck getting that out of your leg hair.

20. My mistake, the bedding’s ruined. Bagsy the dry side.

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